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If They Ever Go Back Inside

8.10.2020
Prompt: If they chop open my body - Julia Alter

If they ever go back inside me they'll probably find more cancer. I think they'll also find ideas, hope, confidence and fear. This time I'm sure they'll be surprised by other things, too.

If they go back inside me they might find mom's white Camaro convertible. In the back seat three inner tubes, a big sand pail and shovel, a blanket, a full picnic basket and a telescope. A passport to adventure.

Both of my dogs. Past and present. All my favorite CDs and books. Rice Krispie treats and Nutella.

If they went back inside me again, they'll find a heart, mended with big and small stitches of delicate silken floss, rope, twine. Some rusted barbed wire. Wounds remain in the pulsing red muscle. Tragedies are in progress.

They'll also find art supplies, favorite pens and just the right notebooks.

Inside me there surely will be a beach on the ocean with waves crashing under the fishing pier, or a cabin on a calm lake amidst pines with soft winds blowing.

I hope they find my crew. Nurses, doctors, dietitians, all of the wonderful healing experts and staff who care, and are ready and waiting for me. It took many years to assemble my team and surrounding them will be a mound of gratitude and favorite beverages.

When they open me they'll also find my family, friends, my Warriors. Not tons of folks, no, but those who hold a special puzzle piece. We may have to look for a while to see how we fit together but once the pieces fit, the connection lasts for a lifetime. Softening their space: mutual support, permanent hugs, with a little light getting through where the cardboard doesn't fit perfectly.

Of course there has to be room for the sun and the moon and stars. And a moon calendar to track the number of full moons since my mom's death. My birth full moon seems less important but maybe not.

They'll find a boat (actually a rowing machine). My yet unnamed vessel that moves smoothly through time and space on carpeting, or imagined water. She is gently propelled by my energy and has the capability of taking me anywhere and everywhere.

Perhaps there will be a direct line to the White House. Where I can express my opposition. And a big vacuum cleaner to inhale all of the political crap to be dumped off the edge of the Earth. But I digress.

And of course when they open me, they will find a waterfall. A glacier, a lake, a river. Sunshine, blue sky and warm, soft breezes.Everyone I have ever loved. So many are here no more. And just there, tucked in a corner, my good deeds and love. To prove my time here was acceptable. That I tried.


 

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Comments (12)

This comment was minimized by the moderator on the site

You called me your little brother and gave me the strength and encouragement to lead this group. You ensured all were welcome and that all could get past their fear and became active participants in their own care.

You laid the bedrock for this...

You called me your little brother and gave me the strength and encouragement to lead this group. You ensured all were welcome and that all could get past their fear and became active participants in their own care.

You laid the bedrock for this community to grow on and we will continue to thrive with all the gifts you have left us. We will love and miss you always

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Josh Mailman
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Laurel was one of the first person to welcome me to the group with a heartfull and compassion email. She was always there giving her suggestions or advice. I had the pleasure to talk to her and meet her thru our zoom meetings. I willa always...

Laurel was one of the first person to welcome me to the group with a heartfull and compassion email. She was always there giving her suggestions or advice. I had the pleasure to talk to her and meet her thru our zoom meetings. I willa always remember. her. May God be with her during her transition. Prayers are with you David and your family.
Hugs
Tina

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TINA R Monroy
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Laurel
We were blessed to have you in our lives. Our memories will live on of the amazing person who helped so many of us through the complicated carcinoid world . You encouraged us to keep on the path forward and challenge the answers given....

Laurel
We were blessed to have you in our lives. Our memories will live on of the amazing person who helped so many of us through the complicated carcinoid world . You encouraged us to keep on the path forward and challenge the answers given. Forever in our hearts.
With love
Liz & Jerry

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Elizabeth Magee
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God truly gained an Angel in taking our Laurel. My wife and I were welcomed into the NETS by Laurel & Josh, a couple of years ago. It was life changing! Dearest David, please be comforted knowing how many people will remember her in our...

God truly gained an Angel in taking our Laurel. My wife and I were welcomed into the NETS by Laurel & Josh, a couple of years ago. It was life changing! Dearest David, please be comforted knowing how many people will remember her in our prayers and our journey. I know she will want you take care of your puppy and yourself. We offer our deepest sympathy and hope you choose to be part of our NorCal group.

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Michael & Deborah Balash
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Dear David, Laurel's life and light will be profoundly missed. Laurel gave me support and comfort when I was struggling with the continued tumor growth and Covid-19 isolation. May her memory be a blessing to you and all that knew her. My...

Dear David, Laurel's life and light will be profoundly missed. Laurel gave me support and comfort when I was struggling with the continued tumor growth and Covid-19 isolation. May her memory be a blessing to you and all that knew her. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you mourn.

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Colleen Kraus
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Dear David and all those who came to know Laurel as an "Earth Angel", Even though I am retired from CSC, as the previous facilitator, I want you all to know that Laurel will never, ever be forgotten!
She had one of the most generous hearts which...

Dear David and all those who came to know Laurel as an "Earth Angel", Even though I am retired from CSC, as the previous facilitator, I want you all to know that Laurel will never, ever be forgotten!
She had one of the most generous hearts which she offered to everyone with whom she came into contact. Working tirelessly for others" behalf seemed to come naturally to her. Not only did she effortlessly share her time and knowledge of NETs, but her wisdom, and hopes for a cure for the disease.
David, My love and healing prayers go out to you as I know that Laurel was your Soul Mate.
Laurel's presence will be etched forever on the memory of my heart, Julie Kaldveer

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JULIE A KALDVEER
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My condolences to the family and everyone who got to know Laurel, especially for David. It hurt a lot to hear of your passing, but i know now that heaven has gained another angel. I am saddened to think that the next time I enter your home your...

My condolences to the family and everyone who got to know Laurel, especially for David. It hurt a lot to hear of your passing, but i know now that heaven has gained another angel. I am saddened to think that the next time I enter your home your smile and beautiful presence will not be there to welcome me alongside David. I will miss that very much. I will always remember you with that beautiful smile of yours, joyful, and whistling to your Lulu and Lali. A hug to David, and please take care.

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Claudia Zamora
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I am honored to have been able to get to know Laurel and David earlier in the year through the yoga classes. It was always a pleasure to see her in class and she brought such positive energy and joy wherever she went. My heart is with you and...

I am honored to have been able to get to know Laurel and David earlier in the year through the yoga classes. It was always a pleasure to see her in class and she brought such positive energy and joy wherever she went. My heart is with you and your family during this difficult time.

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Cheryl Brown
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Laurel is an angel and a bodhisattva. She worked tirelessly and gladly for the benefit of others. Her happy grin and energetic spirit matched her boundless love for life and dedication to creating a better world. I will miss her terribly, and...

Laurel is an angel and a bodhisattva. She worked tirelessly and gladly for the benefit of others. Her happy grin and energetic spirit matched her boundless love for life and dedication to creating a better world. I will miss her terribly, and I’m inspired to carry her hope and caring to others. Thanks for everything, Laurel.

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Jessica Mercure
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My sympathy to the family. I met Laurel through the NorCal CarciNet Community support group. She welcomed me into the group and made me feel comfortable.

Jan Rattazzi
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